on Oct 31st, 2005
bid’nes
I’m not a structural engineer. In fact, the only time I think I’ve ever held the title of ‘engineer’ is when I made sandwiches for a popular food chain and my name tag read, somewhat misleadingly, ‘Sandwich Engineer’.
Nor am I an architect. Can you imagine me being in charge of making sure buildings stay in the air? I can’t even be bothered to wear shoes.
I do, however, know a thing or two about what could be better in the ever illustrious trade of bathroom design.
Every so often, my wife and I find ourselves eating at a local chain restaurant. Invariably, we are seated with a bird’s eye view of the staff entrance and bathrooms. Without exception, the men’s room finds itself occupied several times a meal by various patrons. To this I do not object. I do object, however, to the fact that I and anyone sitting near me gets a clear view of the activities going on.
To you women out there, let me educate you about a concept called “stage fright” (otherwise known “gun shy”). I’ve been in a women’s bathroom a time or two in my life (don’t ask), and I have to say with some level of envy that you’ve really got a nice thing going there. They are always clean, smell nice, and are free of the questionable solicitations that we men have become fairly immune to. You get 12-15 square feet to yourselves, usually boxed into a cozy, private stall. I’ve even seen a couch or two in there from time to time. In short, you’ve got a great place to go about your business (bid’nes?).
The realm of men’s rooms, unfortunately, is rarely as serene. The smells - burning through nostril hairs like an out of control forrest fire, the aforementioned salacious graffiti, and the palpable filth are all givens. Add to that the fact that instead of individualized stalls, men get the opportunity, nay, the privilege, to be lined up side by side in Spanish execution-by-firing-squad style, facing the wall scant inches (ha!) from another feller. All this leads, as you might expect, to a situation that is less than, shall we say, comfortable.
Enter stage fright. We’ve got to go. We have to go. We need to go. But we can’t; there’s simply too much pressure. And all this is in your typically well laid out bathrooms.
So what’s my beef? Clearly, men have more than enough on our plates with business as usual. Add to that the poorly designed bathroom where some poor schmuck gets a good look at me doing my thing every time the door opens. The SATs and LSATs are nothing compared to that kind of pressure. And think of the people trying to enjoy their meals.
All I’m asking for is a bit of (enter trendy new controversial phrase here) intelligent design. Someone can approve a bathroom layout that will inhibit the viewing of men in the midst of urination. It’s possible. I’ve seen it. And I’ve not seen it. For heaven’s sake, let us pee in peace.
