I came up with the following:
“Slightly inebriated man makes fun of homeless”
“Two Alleged Native Americans Strive to Open Casino in Utah - Failure Imminent”
“Willy Nelson’s Long Lost Son?”
“Two men found wandering near the entrance of secretive Area 51 said to be waiting for ’star bus’”
“LDS Church Says ‘Go Home’ to Two Men on Mission Since 1979″
Whatchu got?
Let me clarify: killing pandas is not good. In fact, killing pandas is bad. And wrong. And I’m pretty sure it is illegal, too. So don’t kill pandas.
However, I am advocating that you kill Panda Express. Why commit what is sure to be a crime in almost any state (not valid in Hawaii or Alaska)? Because Panda Express is evil.
Sure, it tastes good. I doubt anyone will tell you the food is bad. In fact, it’s down right yummy. But it’s evil –so evil. When you’re done eating it, you kind of mentally disconnect. You won’t feel bad, necessarily, but you’re useless. Nothing gets done all afternoon. And the next day, you want it again, thus perpetuating the cycle of inefficiency.
I have a controversial theory about why this is: Panda Express is out to take over the world. Think about it - by making Americans less effective, the door is opened to other nations to take over. Oh, yes; Panda Express wants to overthrow America.
It’s too bad Krispy Kreme already beat them to it.
