testMonkey realm

I hate to perpetuate the poor reputation that customer service representatives have, but this is classic and must be shared. Below is the actual text from correspondence I had with my web hosting company this afternoon. First, my original email:

2 things - One: in looking into how long I’ve had an account with Lunarpages, it came to my attention that I cannot access the billing portion of the site (account.lunarpages.com) with my username and password. In the past I have had issues with my account being deleted because it was a duplicate account. I’d like to be able to access my billing information please.

Two: the reason I was looking into account history with Lunarpages is that I am considering switching hosting providers. Having more than 1 add on domain on my future hosting plan is important to me. Several reputable hosts that match or beat LP on price offer up to 6 (and one offers up to 10) add on domains as part of their plans. I realize that LP allows me to add domains for $2.50/month, but I am not willing to pay more at this point. Please understand that I am happy with the service I get and would prefer to stay with LP. Is there any chance that you are willing to add domains to my account in exchange for a continued happy business relationship?

Thanks for your time.

(emphasis added)

I figure it can’t hurt to ask, and it seems like a pleasant enough email. Now their response:

Hello John,

All basic hosting plans come with one free addon domain included in the monthly rate. Any additional addon domains are billed at $2.50 per month per addon domain for the remainder of the hosting agreement in a lump sum payment. For example; 2 addon domains would be $5.00 per month x 12 months = $60.00.

I hope this helps explain how to calculate the addon domains.

Best Regards,

William [removed]

Any “John’s” here? I didn’t think so. I mean, at least look up the account and get the name right. And did he even read the email?

My retort:

Hey there, William.

Would you do me a favor? Either a) actually read the email I sent in
originally, or b) (probably my better option) send my request up the
chain to someone who will read it.

Thanks.

I don’t know: too harsh? And finally:

Hello John,

I’m sorry for not addressing your question about the customer access portal in my previous response. I have double checked your account and the reason the portal is not allowing you access is there is another account that has the same username….

…Unfortunately we will not be able to adjust the number of free addon domains on your account. The pricing policy is not flexible in that regard. I appologize that I will not be able to meet your request.

Uh, yeah –didn’t I tell you about the whole ‘two users one username’ thing in my first email?

And no freebies? No worries. They did a great job of helping me decide where to take my hosting without the charity. bluehost, here I come.

I present below, in spectacularly boring fashion, four things to keep in mind at work when dealing with your local web nerd:

• your webmaster is an idiot
• your webmaster needs all the details
• email is your friend
• don’t try to write code for the webmaster

• Assume your webmaster is an idiot
Now, chances are your webmaster is not an idiot (he’s not). But with all sorts of simultaneous projects going on (that you likely know nothing about) it can’t be assumed that the webmaster is going to take the time to learn all the details that you know about your department/project/company.

Assume your webmaster is an idiot and do the detail work (see the next point).

• Give your webmaster all the details
Make it easy: don’t tell your webmaster to find some information on such and such a site; send the link. In fact, send all the information you can. Spell check your stuff. Check your typos. Don’t print the page and hand him a hard copy (he can’t type worth a lick - typo hilarity will ensue).

• Send an email
Sending your requests and content changes via email is effective and preferred. Most of the time it indicates that you have already thought through the issues and changes. Email gives you an opportunity to electronically compose and organize the information you are submitting to the webmaster. Email also leaves a record that can be referred back to later.

Good email communication will eliminate needless meetings and calls. And who doesn’t like that?

• Don’t write code or design webpages for the webmaster
You know your content and are therefore suited to created it. The webmaster knows how to take your content and format it for the website. If you code or design a webpage, all the webmaster is going to do it redo all that labor anyway. Really. He’s the webmaster for a reason; let him do his job.

So, what’d I miss?

Avast there matey! Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day! Really:

• Dave Barry of miamiherald.com
• www.talklikeapirate.com
• www.talklikeapirateday.com

Suppose ye that you need help talking as a swarshbuckler? Watch this instructional video.

Now get yer scallywag face outta here before I curse ye with a horrid case of scurvy! AAARRRRGGGGHHH!

…and I crashed it. Awesome.

I came up with the following:

“Slightly inebriated man makes fun of homeless”

“LDS Church Says ‘Go Home’ to Two Men on Mission Since 1979″

Whatchu got?

Let me clarify: killing pandas is not good. In fact, killing pandas is bad. And wrong. And I’m pretty sure it is illegal, too. So don’t kill pandas.

However, I am advocating that you kill Panda Express. Why commit what is sure to be a crime in almost any state (not valid in Hawaii or Alaska)? Because Panda Express is evil.

Sure, it tastes good. I doubt anyone will tell you the food is bad. In fact, it’s down right yummy. But it’s evil –so evil. When you’re done eating it, you kind of mentally disconnect. You won’t feel bad, necessarily, but you’re useless. Nothing gets done all afternoon. And the next day, you want it again, thus perpetuating the cycle of inefficiency.

I have a controversial theory about why this is: Panda Express is out to take over the world. Think about it - by making Americans less effective, the door is opened to other nations to take over. Oh, yes; Panda Express wants to overthrow America.

It’s too bad Krispy Kreme already beat them to it.